Attachment in Relationships

This is an idea I have been struggling with as of late. If I detach from the other person in the relationship, why even be a part of it?

Before continuing I should give some background on the idea of detachment. When I refer to detachment, I am talking about detaching from wants.

Now I believe the problem lies with how I view the idea of detachment and how I view relationships within that idea.

As of late, I have been viewing relationships as a relief from the state of detachment.

This is dangerous.

I’ve been picturing detachment like the opening scene of Les Miserable (scroll down to see). Imagining my mind as a boat and detachment is me holding onto a rope pulling the boat in.

The ocean is where desires lie. If I let the boat sail out to sea, I will have a wandering suffering mind filled with attachments.

This is fear.

Thinking of detachment like this evokes an idea of tension. And so naturally I come to attach to the other person in the relationship, to provide me a sense of relief.

I allow them to hold onto the rope, to take away some of the strain so I can relax a little. But, the other person can betray me, on purpose, on accident, or by nature of their character. Their betrayal is letting go of the rope, sling-shotting the boat a little farther into the ocean.

I believe this is the wrong way to look at it. Peace doesn’t come from holding back desires. The feeling of peace is found by sitting in it.

Instead, I think we should look at detachment as follows:

Picture yourself on a terrace in a perfect little café in Spain. Sipping a small (beautiful) cup of coffee, watching a sunset that overlooks the ocean. You are sitting in peace.

A relationship should then be if someone were to come along and sit with you and start a nice conversation.

If they leave, no matter. You still have everything from before they arrived, and you still have peace. The beauty is, their joining you adds to your peace, but their leaving takes nothing away.

That-I think- is how you detach in a relationship.